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3. I know I am resilient, strong, and capable of getting through anything.
We all have what de Bonvoisin calls a "change muscle"—and it's stronger than we think. Take 36-year-old Jenny Evans of Minneapolis, who went through an agonizing divorce. "Although at times it was literally painful to breathe, I wasn't eating or sleeping, and I thought I might die, I didn't," she says. Since her divorce, Jenny has become better able to deal with life's other ups and downs, such as handling frenzied days at work or helping her daughter cope with bullies at school. "If I could get through my divorce, I can get through anything," she says. "Now, I almost view a stressful event from the perspective of 'Is that all you've got? That's nothing compared to what I went through two-and-a-half years ago!'"
Whether you've survived the death of a spouse, a Hurricane Katrina–like disaster, or giving birth to triplets, there's some moment of truth you can call up to remind yourself how much you can handle. "Your change muscle is the part of you that knows, deep down, you'll be okay," says de Bonvoisin. "You're more powerful, resilient, and intuitive than you know."
To tap into that resilience, write a "change résumé." List the big changes you've been through, from transferring to a different school to a breakup. Pick three or four of the hardest ones and ask yourself: What strength did I develop during this change? How did I overcome my fears? What did I take away from the experience? "You'll see that you've sailed through many challenges — and can handle even more.
4. I know that my emotions, including the negative ones, are there as a guide — and that I can replace them with more positive ones.
Fear walks hand-in-hand with change, and ignoring it won't make it go away — in fact, quite the opposite: "Not admitting that your fear is there, trying to deny it, is the most debilitating thing you can do," explains de Bonvoisin. Negative emotions such as fear, guilt, and impatience force you to use what she refers to as your change GPS. "Those emotions are there to get your attention and direct you to more positive ones."
When I look more closely at my fears of sending my baby to kindergarten, for example, I can see that the one I'm really worried about isn't her; it's me, being alone all day. So I'm trying to replace that anxiety with positive thoughts: I'll finally enjoy some sense of freedom; I'll be so proud of her independence; I'll truly savor the bittersweet emotions of letting go — knowing those pangs come from my deep bond with my daughter.
5. I know that the more quickly I accept or choose change, the less the pain and hardship will be.
Two years ago, my new digital camera — a birthday gift — sat in the box for months; I couldn't bear to part with my trusty old 35 mm, and just looking at the new camera made me feel anxious and incompetent.
Silly? Maybe, but sometimes we make even minor changes painful by hanging on desperately to the past, says de Bonvoisin. "Life is like a long river, and we're all in a boat floating downstream," she says. "We can cling to a rock and refuse to keep going. We can furiously row upstream, trying to get back to someplace we can never reach—or we can let go of the oars and realize that we are being carried toward everything we want." Think of it this way: Does not accepting a change make it go away? Does fighting the current help? Once you let go of the oars, your life will get back on track. (And usually — like me finally snapping away with my swell new camera — you end up wondering why you clung to the rock for so long.)
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