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If you'd like your husband to be Mr. Romance...
It's a lovely daydream: Your husband surprises you at your office with flowers on Friday afternoon and whisks you off for a romantic weekend getaway. But the reality is that he's tied up at work, there's the Saturday morning soccer carpool to deal with — and, really, who would watch the kids all weekend?
Several years into my own marriage, I would find myself glancing at my husband, Tony, sitting comfortably in his recliner, mesmerized by a rerun of This Old House, and wondering whatever happened to the lovestruck young guy who first wowed me with flowers, gifts, and impromptu weekend trips. Of course I knew he still loved me at least as much as he loved circular saws and crown molding — yet I couldn't help but crave the attention, romance, and affection that he used to shower on me during our first years together.
After a few years of marriage, it's natural to take for granted the good things you have — for instance, trust, companionship, and shared interests — and fixate on what's missing, explains Charles. And that leads to a growing resentment that eats away at your connection, little by little.
How to Let Go
Married life is like a hearty, multi-flavored stew; romance is one ingredient, but so are bill-paying, parenting, and arguing over paint colors. Kids, house, and jobs fill your days to bursting, yet these elements can actually deepen your bond if you work through the challenges together. And when you find yourself obsessing about how your husband isn't as affectionate or spontaneous as you'd like, remind yourself that you're probably not the winsome charmer he fell for all those years ago, either.
Your relationship heats up when you shrug off your assumptions of what could be, adds Charles, and focus on what is. By chucking those preconceived romantic notions ("He forgot Valentine's Day, therefore he doesn't care about me"), you lose the disappointment factor. "Zero in on his positive qualities," advises Charles. "Nurture and compliment his good traits. He'll feel appreciated and will likely reciprocate."
Consider jotting down two lists of your husband's attributes — the ones that you adore versus the ones you can't stand. First, look at which list is longer. Then, rate each item from 1 to 5, with 5 being very important, and 1 being barely important. "Think deeply about what carries more weight for you," says Charles. "Chances are, the good qualities will have higher numbers." In other words, you'll see, in black and white, that your husband's loving and lovable personality traits outshine the difficult ones — and you'll gladly decide then and there to celebrate how wonderful he truly is.
If your child isn't what you expected...
Melissa Leonard, 33, has always considered herself a take-charge, type A personality. "I'm outgoing and I make friends easily," says Leonard, who's the owner of an etiquette-consulting business in Harrison, NY. So she was surprised that her daughters, now 6 and 5, are growing into very reserved girls. "At recess, they often end up sitting on the bench with the teacher's aide instead of playing with the other kids," Leonard says. "It broke my heart to see them act so timid, and I longed for them to get over their shyness."
It's natural to expect your kids to take after you, says Susan Davis, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City. "But wanting children to be exactly like you is narcissistic," she says. Plus, by trying to make our kids into our clones — just to stroke our egos or fulfill our unresolved ambitions — we're stunting ourselves. "Expecting your children to make your life whole isn't fair to them or you," Davis says. "It's your responsibility to discover the resources within yourself to help make yourself happy."
How to Let Go
For a long time, Leonard believed her girls' behavior reflected poorly on her — a situation she was eager to change. "I worked with them, gave them pep talks, even met with their principal and teachers about getting them to play and not be so bashful," she recalls. Nothing worked, however, and Leonard gradually found peace when she began to accept her daughters for the smart, funny, yet quiet people they are. "I was making myself crazy over their shyness," she says. "So I reminded myself that my girls are not me, and that's okay. They're good, kind girls — and that's more important than how many friends they have on the playground."
When you catch yourself wishing your son or daughter could be different (Why is homework such a struggle for him? Why is she such a princess? Why is he so aggressive?), try to see things from your child's point of view, says Davis. How would you feel if someone continually pestered you about being an accountant when you really wanted to play the piano, or pushed you to be more gleeful when your disposition was naturally serious? "And ask yourself, Is being me the best thing in the world? and Am I trying to get my child to accomplish things that I myself couldn't?" says Davis.
Letting your kid just be herself also helps you ditch the nagging feeling that you've somehow failed as a parent, and gets rid of the guilt about your child not measuring up to some absurd standard, adds Davis. And without all those negative emotions dragging you down, you can focus on getting to know your amazing, one-of-a-kind child even better.
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