How to Gain Confidence

Confidence Crumbler: Relying on Others’ Opinions of You

When you base your self-esteem on what others think, the smallest bit of negative or critical feedback can cave in your confidence.

Try this: Be open to feedback, but listen to your own voice, too. Value constructive criticism (which shows you how to fix mistakes) over toxic criticism (a nagging, pointless recitation of your drawbacks). Steer clear of negative people’s opinions. “Any friend who constantly criticizes you is not a friend at all,” Ursiny says. “Avoid those people.”

Confidence Crumbler: Comparing Yourself to Others

When you use someone else’s success as your yardstick, it’s easy to feel inadequate and envious.

Try this: Don’t begrudge someone else’s good fortune, but remember that you also have gifts and opportunities. “Too many people are blind to their own assets,” Ursiny observes. “The real question should not be, ‘Why aren’t I doing as well as they are?’ but ‘Where do I want to go — and how do I get there?’?” Let the answers spur you into action.

Confidence Crumbler: Measuring Yourself Solely by Your Accomplishments

Setting goals (losing weight, earning more) is great, but not if they’re the only things that determine your self-worth.

Try this: “To some degree, all of us base our self-esteem on our accomplishments,” Ursiny says. “But an all-or-nothing attitude can really sabotage our ability to achieve things.” Truly confident people are self-accepting and see themselves as valuable just the way they are. Find ways to dispute your own self-criticism and focus on your strengths.

Confidence Crumbler: Pretending to Be What You’re Not

Being uncomfortable with yourself may make you feel like hiding or being dishonest just to “fit in.”

Try this: Forget about “faking it ’til you make it” — it looks phony. Acknowledge your achievements without exaggerating them; admit your imperfections without overemphasizing them. People respond better to those who embrace their individuality. “You don’t expect others to be perfect,” Ursiny points out. “It’s arrogant to expect it of yourself.”

Confidence Crumbler: Being a Label-Maker

If you think of yourself as “bad” or “defective” every time you err, it will undermine your confidence.

Try this: Don’t berate yourself for messing up; instead, separate what’s happened from who you are. Strategize a different response for the future. “If you see yourself as a loser, you’re bound to lose,” Ursiny says. “It’s better, and more accurate, to think of yourself as an interesting, flawed human being — one who continues to improve and grow.”